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CYCM. Andy W and Malcolm X...

Bank Holiday Monday. A time of factor firty or nellies. Cozzies or camel coats. Donkeys or Diazipam. Or Boston. Football doesn’t start for many til you put a coat on. Malcolmses’ Oddies are in agreement.

That last apostrophe there on ’Malcolmses’ oddies’ may be wrong or may be right. We went out to a library-obsessed- subcontractor - Read Elsie - and it was she what said it should have an apostrophe. Although she deliberated. And deliberated. Is ’Malcolmses’ a singular or has it got an implied plural in its ’ses’ing? We decant all blame to the Librarian if ’Malcolmses’ Oddies’ is wrong.

Anyway, back to the diatribe. Football is a bit funny peculiar in August. Manchester musically goes a bit quieter in August as well, as quality local bands are either out playing at the ridiculous proliferation of festivals or are actually at them as music admirers.

Lovingly this fits in well, as Murrjy’s questions and answers bit last Saturday against Flintlock was superb and, as we all agreed as the thunderous applause followed him out - he’s deserving of all the devotion that is thrown at him. ’Alton Towers’ height restriction on rides’ and ’Carlos Roca’ for those who were there. You could just ’Chuchy face’ his Ancoats, cherubic, red dial.

On the same note this Monday we’re going to have Andrew DC Walshington doing a questions and answers. Our General Manager is again a human worthy of the devotion that is thrown at him. Which considering he wears those tan-coloured-slip-ons-that look-like-pasties is most commendable.

Genuine people, get genuine respect by doing genuine work. You only need eyes to see. We all know of the amount of tireless, diligent, determined, unflagging and sometimes wearisome, wearisome graft that him and our club secretary Lindsey Robertson put in for this club.

Now is the opportunity for us to be cheeky and ask if those two could invent an eighth and a ninth day and work for us on that as well. Andy will be answering your questions in his match day ’I’ve got a job as a pallbearer’ suit. Don’t let it frighten you, we had it inoculated pre-season so you won’t need a tetanus injection if it bites you. I’ve just realised what the last four letters of ’tetanus’ spell. Never noticed that before.

Before Andy comes on we are having a bloke called Malcolm on. That’s not like a ’Guy called Gerald’. This bloke is just a bloke called Malcolm. I do believe that this is our first Malcolm on at Course You Can Malcolm. You’ll recognise his face from the front cover of Mike Duff’s Hatcheck Boy if you have his book.

’Gritty realism’ might be the words to describe what you are about to hear from him in his allocated eleven minutes. Well, it rhymes with ’gritty’. We ask you for the highest of order as it’s the lads first time on. We know you will.

We told you last time that this season, that as well as all the usual goodies, we are going to have 11 bottles of beer from the nearest real ale brewery to the team we’re playing that day.

Against Boston this is Batemans. We’re having Batemans xxxb. It’s 4.8abv and in a 500ml bottle and it’s £2.50. Obviously we wouldn’t ever put a ’Master’ in front of that beer’s name as that would be childish. We also might get a dark porter from them called ’Dark Lord’ which is 5abv and again in 500ml bottles and again £2.50. We’re ordering 12 bottles of beer not 11.

Again as we said last week, we’re going to save one bottle and put it in a raffle-able hamper. Hamper is a bit of a grand title as there is only going to be a bottle of beer from each of our first seven games in it. Our first goalscorer in each of those seven games will sign the guest bottles’ label. If we don’t score then Murrjy or an equal alternative will be found. We’re going to call the raffle ’THE SEASON IN SEVENS.’

We will then go on to the next seven games. I’m not saying whoever wins the seven signed bottles will drink them then save them on a special shelf somewhere. But you know that they will. On a great, great positive note. After repeated and continued requests - no ales were taken out of Malcolmses on Saturday. Your club thanks you. However, continued vigilance and self-policing is always necessary.

Nosebag wise, there is no tater hash, cheese and onion pies, whimberry charlottes or ’cupoff’ cupcakes on Monday as the bakers are shut and we wouldn’t be palming you off with stalies. ’Carrot Corner’ will be donating an industrial sized pan of veggie Madrass for two pound a portion. The last three letters of ’Madrass’is not spelt wrong.

Our felt thanks to Mike again. His curry last season was proper nice. And considering the lad has been poo poo poorly of late we really appreciate it. We hasten to add that his recent poo poo poorliness was nothing to do with his cooking. Almost certainly. Also a valued member of the 127 Club has donated to us sixty fresh sealed sandwiches for freemans. We’ll be combining these with crisps. Again for a two spot price. Pampered, that’s what you are.

And that’s it. Usual rules and conditions apply. FC United of Manchester club members only with one guest per member. There are membership forms that you can sign at the CYCM door.

We write this before the Buxton game with all the excesses that contains. We are confident, as always with you the lightest of lightweights, that we won’t run out of beer and the volunteer Odd Carriers will again knock out another victory. This is your pub. No other pub you go in - unless you’re a pub owner - is your pub. Every one pence made - and we make those one pences whilst being dirt cheap - goes back into our fight to make this great club of ours even greater.

We thank you for your sustained loyalty and your proud ownership of something so special to Manchester. It’s hot in there. No wonder with all those warm beating hearts. Together, as always, to the next three points. Throw those wingers wide"¦

Fraternally yours

The CYCM Odd Carriers

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First Posted ~ 09:59 Thu 21 Aug 2008
News ID ~ 1773
Last Updated ~ 12:55 Mon 21 May 2018