CYCM 02/12/17: He’s Here, He’s There, Bring Your Thermal Underwear

CYCM returns to the SMRE Bar on Saturday from 12 noon, with a whole host of stuff to warm your winter cockles - Mr Motivator; Maybe, Liam McClair; Definitely, Tater ash, cheese and onion pies, vegan pies and lentil stew; Absolutely - And it’s certainly FREE to attend.


If you’ve dedicated your life to eleven ball-chasing men, chances are you’ll know it gets a bit taters watching them in the autumn and winter months. Not quite Jose Mourinho leaving Bastian Schweinsteiger off his Christmas card list cold, but still, fairly nippy all the same. When the chill sets in United Aggro and the mercury plunges, it usually takes some form of underhand, on-pitch naughtiness to get temperatures rising again.



Take United versus Arsenal at Old Trafford in 1990, for example. It was a grey, autumnal October afternoon when Arsenal defender and Crown Prince of the snides Nigel Winterburn snidely lunged into Dennis Irwin with a viciously snide tackle. His textbook snidery precipitated an outbreak of aggro between both sets of players so severe, the FA took the unprecedented step of docking points from both clubs (Arsenal got docked one more than United, no doubt to punish them for Nigel’s overt snideness). In a mere matter of seconds, the autumn chill enveloping Old Trafford had been super-heated thanks to the sort of fury that can only be generated when there’s a snide around.

No doubt it’ll be even frostier under the St. Mary’s Road End this Saturday, leaving the Oddies with a dilemma. How do we keep the Malcs punters warm without resorting to inviting Snide Nige round? Ply you all with cheap whisky? Ask Mr. Motivator to come over and get the star jumps going? Hand out free cans of baked beans, so the resulting trump-a-thon warms the room? Nah, the answer’s actually a lot more appealing than all that.



Back when Nigel was sniding it up at Old Trafford, one of the people who didn’t stand for his behaviour, thus helping crank the thermostat up, was United striker and legend, Brian McClair. While we won’t have Brian this Saturday, it’s a pleasure to welcome his singer-songwriter son Liam, whose lovely melodies can defrost even the iciest of hearts. Of course, all this means your extremities might be on the verge of falling off, but you can at least enjoy Malcolms safe in the knowledge your insides will be all toasty warm. Think of CYCM as a loving glove for your heart, if you will.

In keeping with the theme of Red family heritage, we may also have another special guest for you. At the time of writing, nothing’s been confirmed however, but keep your eyes peeled for updates. If it does come off, then you’ll know your peepers peeling won’t have been in vain. And if it doesn’t? Well, just read on; as you’ll see we still have plenty of goodness in store for you:

11:00: After deciding whether to call Mr. Plough or the Plough King to clear the icy frosts, the Oddies arrive to set up (seriously, it won’t actually be that bad, it’s just the angle for this preview, honest. Even the neshest amongst you will be fine…)

12:00: Doors open, and as you’ll see, you’re going to need to get here as early as possible

Now at this point, we’d normally give a full breakdown for the rest of the afternoon with exact times, but as we’ve got that much on, and potentially even more to come, the schedule could easily change. With that in mind, think of the timings for the rest of the day like the 1974 Dutch national team: a fluid exchange of roles and positions, done with the most consummate of ease (except we’ll still be ending with live music of course; that’s the one strict rule we never deviate from).

Aside from the afore-mentioned scrap involving Arsenal, you may have noticed there’s been a few other incidents down the years as well. And more often than not, involving the great snide-in-chief that is Nigel Winterburn (did I mention he’s a snide?). Obv we’re not bitter about this, but we’re aware some of you may still be haunted by some of these memories, especially a certain penalty incident at Highbury in 1988.

And to help you get over this, there may be a competition involving guessing how high the ball from this certain penalty went. We’ll also be soothing those emotional scars even further with a feature called ‘Making Plans for Nigel’. What would you do if you were locked in a room with Nigel Winterburn, with no cameras to record what happens? You’ll get the chance to tell us on the day, and we’ll be reading out the best answers. We’re here to help, after all. There’ll be top-quality prizes aplenty for all this, and if you’re lucky, some extra, extra special ones as well.

As if all this wasn’t enough, there’ll also be an MUFC/FCUM based quiz, possibly another guest with United links (as mentioned previously), and maybe, just maybe, one further, as yet to be named, turn. Told you, you need to get in early….

Liam McClair



Rounding off not just the day, but the year for Course You Can Malcolm, we’re seeing out 2017 on a high, courtesy of the folk-pop delights of Liam McClair. Originally going down the same football-shaped route as his Dad and joining United’s books, injury curtailed his career before it was able to really get going. One detour via Liverpool University later however, he’d found his true calling in music, and there was no stopping him.

Since then Liam’s been performing across the UK, ticked off a plethora of festivals, and last year completed a headline tour of Germany. As if all that wasn’t impressive enough, he’s also supported Circa Waves, Blossoms, Billy Bragg, Newton Faulkner and Echo & The Bunnymen several times, with lead singer Ian McCulloch being so impressed, he also had him opening for him on his solo tour.

Don’t just take Ian’s and our word for how good he is though, take heed of Clint Boon: “Talent and his charisma completely belie his age, his sound immediately reminded me of a young Elvis Presley???, and BBC 6 Music DJ Chris Hawkins: “A genuinely gifted songwriter who matches the depth of his writing with the passion in his voice???. Intrigued? Have a ganders at Liam’s website here to find out more then (and obviously come down on Saturday to see him in person, but clearly you were already planning on doing that…).

Providing the perfect accompaniment to the day’s events, like a good Cabernet Sauvignon paired with a Filet Mignon, we’ll also have the usual Westwells tater ash and cheese and onion pies, Pete’s vegan pies and lentil stew, possibly the long-awaited return of Mike Noodle’s veggie hot dogs, and the usual array of drinks that will almost definitely include alcoholic offerings.

And there you have it: It’s been another year of fantastic music, poorly affixed flags, and Stu From The Bay’s intricately connected stage; a creation so complex that Stephen Hawking tried working out the mysterious and impenetrable instructions inscribed on it, only to give it up as a lost cause. While we probably can’t work it out either, we can come back in the new year with more of the same music and half-baked ideas we like coming up with, so we’ll do that instead. See you then.

Just so you know: if you come looking for us in the main stand bar, you’ll be as disappointed as Marouane Fellaini trying on his New Balance boots for the first time. We have a new home, and that new home is under the St Mary’s Road End terrace. We’ll have about half of the space under there (at the end furthest from the Main Stand), so if you’ve just read all this and think it sounds bobbins, then one end of the SMRE space will be partitioned off so you can enjoy a pint without us impinging on your life too much.

Entrance to CYCM is FREE, just head to the turnstiles at the far end of the St Mary’s Road End of the ground, but try and get there as early as possible as we’re anticipating it’s going to be busy. Usual rules apply: no divviness, nuclear weapons or ‘ironic’ Christmas jumpers, which are so divvy, deserve a special mention of their own. Refugees welcome.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, no, we won’t be celebrating the royal engagement. So there you go.