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CYCm. A gentle tone-deafness of kindness

CYCm. A gentle tone-deafness of kindness"¦

This Saturday, just before FC United of Manchester attempt to score their first league goal of the season against Bamber Bridge, Course You Can malcolm will have a band on. "On what?" You may enquire. On the social? On the rag? No, we’ll just be having an elastic band on. It’s that sort of place. In parts. Or is it? I don’t know. Due to several member requests, this Saturday has been designated as ’Just wear an elastic band day.’ So if just wearing an elastic band is what you want to do before a game, then CYCm Saturday is the place to do it. Obviously we can’t have a totally nude day as that is just daft. We have levels of decency and we refuse to raise them for anyone.

To accompany your band - therefore achieving the bandy double - we have a band called Orphan Boy. Now if any of you have been unfortunate enough to be in the company of Railway Jay then you will know, that without doubt, Orphan Boy are his most favourite band ever. His assessment of Orphan Boy is as follows:

"Any band who has a drummer who always wears an homemade T-shirt with the words ’Wizz-is-ace’ written on it has got to be worth a listening to."

Another band member called Bobby, as obviously there must be a band member called ’Wizz’ also stated;

"We’re independent, FC United of Manchester are independent, can we play?"

Well it turns out that this Saturday they can. They have an LP coming out at the end of this month so here is your chance to peruse another Manchester band entering the musical fray. Bentos. Due to Wizz’s influence ’LP’ might stand for ’Little P’ as he has been known to affect your general standing in these shrivvy matters. Listen to them before on wwwdotcom.myface.co.ok or whatever it’s called as they have had releases on Concrete Records. Records. Made of concrete.

Before Orphan Boy come on there was supposed to be a talk on the DF by Adam Brown. Unfortunately Adam has had a double compound fracture of one of the hairs in his fringe so again he can’t make it. Oh that lad suffers. We also nearly had another surprise pre-turn-turn on but it fell through at the last moment. No one ever said that event co-ordinating was going to be good to you. And so what we are doing is taking this opportunity to introduce to you the in-house, CYCM gameshow that is LOOK AT THE SIZE OF MY SACKS.

’Look at the size of my sacks’ is a valiant, if somewhat misguided attempt to introduce gambling into the venue for the purpose of fundraising via the means of suggestedbennyhillism. Essentially LATSOMS is a way of killing off the dreadfully tedious football name cards that terrorise all football events and replacing them with"¦something else that will terrorise you. All it takes to make LATSOMS a success are two bin liners full of empty beer bottles, a set of weighing scales and a fat bloke.

Malcolmses has an abundance of two of the three of the aforementioned necessities. That is, bin liners full of empty beer bottles and fat blokes. We decided to utilise the tools at our disposal. Step forward, in the xxl shirt, the red that is Oche Youth.
Oche Youth is, for a young lad, and being as polite as possible here, not as unrotund as he might well be. The concept of the club night ’When we were thin’ has no meaning to him as he has never lived those times.

Oche Youth will come on stage, with two bin liners of empty beer bottles and we will weigh him and his sacks. There will have previously been a sheet taken round by Lynette ’Snoddy’ Snodgrass where you will have bet your pound what you thought Oche Youth and his two enormously full sacks was going to weigh.

The sacks will have been chosen by the lovely Liz from behind the bar as she’s experienced in sacks handling apparently. We will be advertising on the messageboard for the loan of some weighing scales for the rest of the season. We was going to advertise for accurate weighing scales but wonky ones will do as it will just add to the game of chance as that is all football name cards are. Who knows, we might come to love the wonky scales like we do the hat stand.

Whoever get the closest to what Oche Youth and his full ’uns weigh wins half the money that has been raised. That’s the beauty of not doing a name card as you’re not tied to filling every team up before you can do the draw. With the sacks we can just set Snoddy on you to you crumble. And you will.

Chris, one of the Oddies, won a £50 prize on that club run thing where you put £200 in and get a prize every month if you’re lucky in the draw. It was a rake of wine and fifty pounds"¦worth of cakes. Mmmm cakey. Except, odd person that he is, Chris only likes chocolate éclairs. Hold it, the computer put that thing above the ’e’ in éclair then not me. Hey, it just did it again. Wizz and odd Es and we’re only a few paragraphs old.

Anyway, because Chris mardly decided he couldn’t eat £50s worth of cake, he has generously decided to give it to Malcolmses to help bump up the fightback-takings. So we’ve got £50’s worth of cakes to dish out. Jessica, who comes in Malcolmses and whose Dad runs the cake shop that makes the cakes, has been talked into doing a 100 bespoke cakes with ’Course You Can Malcolm’ iced on top. 50 cakes this Saturday and 50 at the next Saturday game against Newcastle Blue Star on the 15th of March. I think we’re charging ten bob for them. It would be pertinent here to put that this is the icing on top of the cake. And never once have we mentioned Marie Antoinette which we think deserves some degree of congratulation.

It’s youth day this Saturday. Now many of the Odd Carriers take the child rearing line of ’Kids in cupboards’ as the way to treat our children. It never did us any harm. And to quote Dan Bland, a previous comedian at Malcolmses "So what was the point of that then?" However, even we are being forced to be all nice to the scurvy young, hooped hooded wearing, asbo-ecoli, knaves.

Many of you might know Rob Fullen from the game. He’s a good main stander lad. He used to go to my old school, North Manchester for boys, but don’t let that put you off him as he’s now taught himself to read. He’s not quite got to the ’and write’ bit yet but it takes time. And he wears spectacles so he probably can’t see all that well. However, his daughter Victoria has managed to overcome the difficulties of bad parenting, and will be doing the programme review of CYCM for this week. At 15, she’s a youth you see, so we thought we’d be all topical and get a youth in. It’s as if we don’t just throw it all together. Thank you Victoria. No one buy her a beer. As she’s probably in rounds with her rough Dad.

Squirrel Inn"¦
On the road out to Whaley Bridge a few years ago there used to be pubs called the Soldier Dick, The Dandy Cock and another one that I’ve forgotten the name of
but that also had that ’oerr mrs’ about their name. The most subtle though was The Squirrel Inn. Great pub name. For some reason some characters at FC United of Manchester are obsessed with squirrels. As a consequence we have got a sixteen pint mini-mini-barrel from Harts Brewery of Squirrel bitter. Now before Mooresy and Missus Mooresy kick off we don’t think it’s made from squirrels. We’re not sure though. Anyway it’s on offer this weekend for a one off so if you are squirrel obsessed - some to the point of wearing squirrel badges - then here is your chance to have a pint of squirrel. We’d like to think it will have a nutty overtone to its taste.

Moorsey and Missus Moorsey’s vegetarian contribution at the last game raised £42. So thank you very much for that youngsters. This week it’s Sam. Sam had to be persuaded to do it under threat. We’re not proud of our intimidatory tactics but we threatened to release to the world what the lads in the vault at his pub used to call him when he was playing darts. It involves eye protectors and sexual preferences. Breaking news, breaking news - just been informed that Sam didn’t get back so it’s Missus Mooresy who is going to be doing a curry.

Talkative Chris will again be running Tea Earn brewing your brew to your specifications not flung at you in a polystyrene cup with bubbles on the top that finish up as a bit of a rainbow coloured oily slick. Talkative’s tea is proper tea. Tea Earn took £20 last time. Just by being there we survive.

And that’s about it. Usual rules and conditions apply. Members only with members able to sign one guest in. Doors open 12pm again. THAT’S 12PM. We will always be opening now from 12pm unless stated otherwise. Get there very early as the usual lock-out is turning out to be, erm, a lock-out. The special treat of last week in opening the windows to let some air in seemed to be met with approval by all those with lungs, so we’ll be opening them again this week. We was going to keep them shut and offer you the oxy gum that Marine Boy used to chew to enable him to breathe under water but you won’t remember such classic television. So we won’t.
Anyway - Drink shensibly, eat shenshibly, act shenshibly and shupport the Redsh unshenshibly when you get out there as always. It opens at 12pm by the way.
We’ve not played Bamber Bridge for ages so it should be a good game.

Fraternally yours,

The CYCM odd-carriersh.


The price of nothing and the value of everything...

All profits are ploughed 100% into paying our matchday expenses to our landlord unless they have a ’DF’ sign at the side of them. Everyone works freemans for the love of this football club of ours.

NEW*** Harts Brewery - Squirrel bitter. £2 a pint.
NEWISH*** Staropramen Czech lager. £2 a 330ml bottle. Three for a fiver.
NEWISH ***Northern Soul Brewery - ’Heart of soul’ ’I’m on my way’ and ’night owl’ bitter. £2 a 500ml bottle.
Super Bok - £2 a bottle or three for a fiver.
Marble Brewery - Organic Chocolate Marble stout - £3 a 500ml bottle. Two for £5.

Stowford Brewery - Stowford Press - £3 a 660ml bottle. Two for £5.

Tater hash and pie crust - £2 a bowl.

Cheese and onion pies - £1

Whimberry Charlotte mmmm cakes - £1.

Veggie meal of the day. - £2 donation to the club.

Tea Earn - Coffee and tea £1.

Colas, fair trade juices and apple juices - £1

The 1878 tater-hash-tenner - DF -
Thank you for supporting this club of ours. Onwards and sidewards.

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First Posted ~ 11:44 Fri 29 Feb 2008
News ID ~ 1519
Last Updated ~ 13:50 Mon 21 May 2018