CYCM: Just that little bit nicer than so many things...

FC United of Manchester play Outofsorts at 3pm this Saturday in the FA Cup. That’s the FA Cup. These knockerty-outerty competitions will never resonate in the matchgoing fans’ mindset. Hotels put plastic sheeting over their beds to prevent stainage. Jameswoodshorts did it to their pitch. We are left to presume.

TURNS…

Only the main stand is open this weekend. This means that CYCM is open to everyone who wants to poke their nose in. Whilst mid-poke you will find that TNS Records, the not for profit, Manchester music collective will be presenting the first of two showcases of Manchester DIY punk and ska. The scurvy knaves behind CYCM concurred that we constantly get called, and indeed call ourselves, a punk football team. It is only within reason then to relinquish the musical reins to such a respected part of Manchester’s punk music scene.

TNS records will be presenting Rising Strike and then the old stalwarts and FC United of Manchester members - Revenge of the Psychotronic Man. Yes, that’s him with the wobbly mincers. One of them will be on at 1.30 and one about 2.15pm for their twenty two minutes worth. That’s the band not the wobbly mincers. Wobbly though they are and yes, you’re right, we’re also sure that they separate and that he takes them out at night – one upstairs, one downstairs. That’s the wobbly mincers not the bands. The bands will have a bedroom-mattress-on-the-floor, blanket-as-a-curtain-in-your-bedsit and two-litre-bottle off to see who is on last. Perhaps he should have a wobbly mincer in each set to mediate? Lynette will do a DF fundraising sootyandsweepstake on who might win.

In the evening after our Cup game, from 7.30 at Gullivers on Oldham Street in town, TNS Records will be presenting another night of live bands including Rising Strike again and bands such as Beat the Red Light, The Liabilities, COT1B and Sense of Urgency. It goes on till two o’clock. This time it’s a Harold Melvin in, but a fiver represents more than fair fare. If you go to tnsrecords.co.uk you will see the flyer they have produced for their forthcoming gigs with us that has our club’s banners and badge on it. You will also see that TNS Records have two playful pussies as their logo. We are left to presume.

GUEST BEER…

Whilst on the subject of two playful pussies, strokeable Blaine and Midjmo-Matt-and-his-black-and-white-cat will be carting CYCM’s guest ale to the ground from their Whalley Range cool cat palace. Well, it rhymes with ‘cool cat’. The guest-ale-close-to-the-team-we’re-playing is Ginger Tom. The two cuddly carriers assure us all that Ginger Tom is a mouthwatering combination of Robinson’s award winning Old Tom and the famously authentic Fentiman’s Ginger Beer, which uses a traditional recipe dating back to 1900. It is a superior strong ale with a peppery blast of ginger and spiced herbs. It’s 6%. I’m an ardent admirer of many a bold ginger and am not averse to a good gingering so I’ll definitely be going down on it.

OTHER VERTIGINOUS STUFF…

Murrjy turned up at the last Malcolmses. He was too poorly-chucky-egg-in-a-cup-with-buttered-toast-soldiers-and-a-pot-of-tea to tell a joke. After what we’ve suffered from him we were very grateful. We might well just get a Johnson’s paint colour chart and check his facial redness over the coming months. When it’s back to ‘pillar box red doing an impression of maps depicting movements of the continents since the last ice age’ we will know he’s smarticus. Unfortunately a by-product of his good health will be the return to prominence of his failing humour gland. Gland in glove, the sun shines out of his behind, yes we may be forgiven as rags but we’ve something that they’ll never have.

And that’s about it. Don’t forget that anyone can call in and out before kick-off this week as the Manchester Road End is closed for felty headwear trinket and bell Brasso-ing, underpant pressing, Windsor re-shoeing, double-denim-stonewashing and Simon shirt buying and fancying yourself in the mirror-ing. It’s free in with one guest per member. Membership forms available on the door. Every single pence raised goes to our club and its within-the-boundaries-of-Manchester future. That’s the way it’s always been back from that very first gig with that potty Japanese touring band that jumped all over their drum kit all those long seasons ago. That’s some money raised and all from initiative after initiative from the volunteers.

Goodness me, though they’ll hate me for it, I’m going to give them the thanks from myself on your behalf to all those volunteers who get the bus and get there for half ten for no other reason than that they love this thing of ours. You might not have got a mention for all the money you’ve raised on the slidey show thing at our last visit to the Methodist Hall but that was just a club oversight. We’re part addressing that now - thank you for all your help in helping us all to raise money for our club in the easiest of ways and in the most pleasant of company ie eating and drinking.

So come and bathe in this little bit of Manchester brought to a far away place for a few loving hours before going out to see that proud, commercialisation-affronting-with-their-no-sponsor shirted team that we built with our own Manchester loving hands. There might be wattle and daub in our construction but that hands-on-idiosyncrasy stands in dignified contrast to the rush of sanitised, ugly glass and chrome’ism that besets our game. Rescued from destruction by good women and men, we remain a unifying force for footballing change however small that may appear at times. And we have a hooterama and a hug – a manly one obviously, cough - whilst we’re doing it. Together, as always, to the next round…

Fraternally yours…

The November the 30th brigade.