FC United of Manchester
FC United of Manchester
FC United of Manchester
CYCM 13/04/2019: Zangwills ‘n’ Thrills But No Bellyaches
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines force of will as ‘the ability to continue trying despite difficulties’, and when you see it carried out in all its proud, straining glory, it’d take the most awkwardest of gets to disagree.
Take a certain night in Turin, twenty years ago this month, for example. Manchester United were away to Juventus, a team so daunting and impressive, they had a midfielder who wore glasses on the pitch, yet still no-one laughed at them.
Finding his team 2-0 down to these Italian Leviathans after only ten minutes, United captain and famous Labrador owner Roy Maurice Keane (a man for whom giving up meant holding back from brutally murdering Alf-Inge Håland), took it upon himself to sort the mess out he found his team in.
Twenty-four minutes in, Keane’s glancing header reduced the deficit to one, rewarding United with a precious away goal and providing a thin slither of hope for what still seemed a near-impossible task.
What came next, however, seem destined to stop Roy in his tracks. On the thirty-fourth minute of the game, a late tackle on French slaphead Zinedine Zidane saw him receive not only a yellow card, but with it, a suspension from the final if United were to make it through.
For lesser players, this would have meant wilting like a petrol station-bought daffodil, but instead, for Keane, it seemed to spur him on to even greater heights.
Through sheer force of will, he drove the team forward, putting in one of the greatest ever performances in a red shirt, and inspiring United to overcome Juventus three goals to two. Full speed ahead, Barcelona, and all that.
Fast-forward two decades to this Saturday, and while we might not be operating on force of will here at CYCM (it’s been a long season, we’ll be running mainly on fumes), we’ll be operating on the sheer force of The Zangwills instead, ace Cheshire indie four-piece who’ll be rounding off the last Malcolms of the season in a style so energetic, they’ll probably leave you feeling knackered just watching them.
They’ll also be joined on stage prior to their performance by poet Angry Bear, whose interest will no doubt have been piqued by all this talk of hardman Keano.
Top boy Bear, one of the few men from the world of football who could drop Roy with one punch and have a verse written about it quicker than you can say ‘Patrick Viera is a mouthy coward’, will be returning to Malcolms with more poetic tales of mither and mayhem.
If all this has whet your appetite for more (and let’s face it, why wouldn’t it?), then read on to find out the full deets for this Saturday:
Food and drink
Woo hoo, there’s a cask ale on.
We’re also slavering as we look forward to Vegan Ronay’s latest recipe, pasta all’arrabbiata, alongside the usual Westwells tater ash and cheese pies, choccy cake and some random flavour of muffins.
Quiz by George Irwell
Last time’s winner, Jonathan Allsopp, scored an impressive seven out of eleven.
Only at CYCM, where love is the licensee, can you trust quiz teams to mark their own answers and still no-one claims a full house.
Karl’s questions have been devilishly difficult of late. Get down early to pit your wits against him on Saturday.
Angry Bear’s last appearance at Malcolmses caused some alarm. Two of the Oddies were approached in the bar at Curzon away, and quizzed as to the modus operandi of the infamous mither poet.
We feared CYCM had been infiltrated by undercover dibble.
Was our questioner from a crack new unit in GMP, the IVS (Inflammatory Verse Squad) perhaps?
Questioning was terse. Who’s this Angry Bear then? Is he a famous Manchester poet hiding behind a balaclava to address audiences the MIF (Manchester International Festival) just can’t reach?
Does he have an alternative set for when he gets booked by a City pub?
We’d no idea on the first two, but were pretty sure the third one was a no.
Recent performances by The Zangwills have prompted frenzied scenes on dance floors across the North-West as hordes of skinny adolescents crash into each other, arms and legs flailing in barely co-ordinated abandon.
Saturday’s performance might be a little more orderly now that Reno’s promoted them to the first team, but we expect the band to be undeterred.
Their guitarist was a regular at FC in the early seasons, although his match-going was almost curtailed after he took two weeks to thaw out after that match at Port Vale.
His experiences on the terraces are fondly recalled in the band’s lyrics, notably in ‘The Horrors of Sobriety’.
Listen out for tales of teenage angst in the badlands of mid Cheshire (‘binbags full of paper plates … and our self-esteem’), set to chiming guitars and thunderous drums.
The Zangwills are currently gearing up for a summer on the festival circuit. We’re delighted their first stadium gig is at Broadhurst Park, in the comfy confines of CYCM.
In the meantime if you want to have a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrcHKuYVeVA
Just so you know: if you come looking for us in the St. Mary’s Road End, then, well, you’re in the right place, because that’s our gaff.
Just head to the turnstiles and make your way about two-thirds down the SMRE. You can’t really miss us as we have a big, dock off stage for a start, plus a flag with a massive caravan drawn on it.
And as always: entrance to CYCM is completely freemans, with the usual rules applying: no divviness, nuclear weapons or anyone who’s going to miss those daft light blue training tops the players have to wear each week. Refugees welcome.