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CYCM. Loop doggy dog...

FC United of Manchester play Tickleonthetum Town this Saturday. That’s got to be one of the Button Moonest names in all the leagues and for that we should give them the greatest footballing respect when we play them. However, Course You Can Malcolm deserves no such respect for the following tripe that it’s about to turn out.
11.59 ‘Burton Arms’ Andy and the boys arrive. Always first. Always.
12.00 Doors open.
12.45 The Club General Secretary Lindsey Robertson updating and thanking members for their monumental efforts in the graft for TAL. The Ginger Princess has got another meeting at one o’clock so she has to rush off. Either that or she’s cracking on daft and just carrying the spuds for her Mam, Sheena on Harmony Bay market.
1.00 Straight outta Crompton - see below.
1.45 Margentiferous – Murrjy and his two painful, painful jokes. Although the ‘Muchas Gracias’ effort last CYCM was one of his funniest. If ever there was an opportunity lost to sing ‘Margentina’ then that was it.
2.00 Loop Aznavour – see below.
2.40 This Team is sheeeet. Twomowers and Manchester’s quippiest quipologist.
3.00 Barcelona may have relinquished their pride but our sponsorless shirted ones represent the honourable, untainted colours of Manchester on the pitch.
3.01 0 - 1
3.45 Half time festivities and the admonishing of anyone who says ‘business end of the season’.
4.50 Business end of the season.


Just when you think you can’t dislike computers any more you realise that they allow the spell check of ‘Mum’ but consider ‘Mam’ a touch too Mancunian. The plugged-in nincompoops are discriminating against our inner city. What’s not discriminatory is the equal-opportunity-employer-type-employer that is the Oddies at CYCM.

To reward the early arrivals at Malcolmses we are starting a bit of a new thing. I say ‘reward’ with the loosest, loosest of meaning. We are starting something called ‘Straight Outta Crompton’. Following an Oddies meeting at the Green Room in town it was decided that, after Tommy O’Neill’s ‘talking FA Cup dog’ performance earlier in the season, it was about time that we trawled again the whiffy depths of our membership to try to find some ‘special’, cough, gift amongst this distinctly iffy branch of humanity.

For example, if you can bend a balloon into a ‘3’ and then another balloon into a ‘5’ then put them together then we think that that’d be deserving of the diddy slot that is, and may well become ‘Straight outta Crompton.’ Another example might be there was a lad at our school who could suck his own…we’ll leave it there so as to get past Lindsey, who as well as doing all the other club stuff has to censor these CYCM missives. Please email courseyoucanmalcolm@fc-utd.co.uk if you think you’re up for a minute or two in front of a very warming and welcoming crowd at a very early and quieter stage of proceedings. Please contact us. Go on. Seerz, go on, you’ll be great.

I, for example, to show how low we are setting the standards, will be doing my impression of a dripping tap. I’m really quite good at it. It’s definitely a dripping tap into a Belfast sink rather than a stainless steel one so it’s a bit limited but it’s a start. My two cousins are there so there may well be a rendition of ‘There was a girl from Stockport’ by the ‘Once, twice, three times a Brady’ vocal trio accompanied by the table piano and Karen performing live for the first time on the bodhran. You know the dance and you know you can do better. The spell check also doesn’t like ‘bodhran’ which shows it’s got an anti-gaelic nature in it as well if you consider it too deeply. Anyway, the proper turns…


He may be the face you can forget, a trace of pleasure or regret, may be the measure or the price you have to pay but whatever it is this week we have Loop Aznavour.

How can we describe Loop? Mmm? He’s a conundrum wrapped in an enigma tied up in a… no, he’s none of that clichéd nonsense, he’s a pie wrapped up in a buttered muffin concealed in a paper bag from the Crusty Cob in Ancoats. Loop doesn’t have a mobile phone or a motorcar. I wouldn’t actually be positive on whether he has a roof. He’s still supporting Puressence at their big comeback gig at the Ritz on April the 21st though.
He plays an instrument called a cherubim or a seraphim* or something like that. It’s from 1919 and it’s the world’s first, that’s the world’s first electronic instrument…but it’s played in the air …but you don’t touch it…but it’s not an air guitar. We know what you’re thinking, Anadins. But to celebrate the instrument’s longevity Betty-Loop-Bop-Doing-The-Do is going to do the do for us for 22 minutes.

For those who go to the nicest pub after our home games you’ll find that Loop organises the monthly acoustic night there.

* Theremin.

Fresh from his stay at the Altrincham Priory, Blaine has told us that this week’s guest beer is Thornbridge Jaipor. Apparently it’s a…

“Citrus dominated Indian Pale Ale. Its immediate impression is soft and smooth yet it builds to a crescendo of massive hoppiness accentuated by the honey, An enduring bitter finish. 5.9%.” Blaine, remarkably, remains single. Although it’s nice he stuck in the word ‘massive’ there in this massivest of weeks


The Norwegian Chef this week is doing a production line, fresh soup for us to warm ourselves with or take out into the elements before the game. It’s called ‘Henry Fjord’. We’ve given up on trying to get a Scandinavian to do Lettuce Leave so it’s a pea and ham soup. We might throw in a bit of cruzzy bread to go with it. Pampered you lot. The risqué, oo err Mrs, Scandinavian bit is that there’s a ham shank in there, sigh. To continue all things European, Ed from Germany – the lad who helped so much in our club’s St Pauli visit and who is also the author of the St Pauli piece in this month’s A Fine Lung - is also bringing something along to help Eyebrows with the vegetarian options. I’m doubting very much that it’s sausage.

And that’s about it. Get yourself there. It’d be a bit daft to go anywhere else and not support your club’s own, fundraising clubpub. Get there early though as every single game this season has seen us put the ‘full’ sign up. Which is unusual as we’ve not got a ‘full’ sign.

One day we’re going home…and we’ll be free at last, free at last. Together, as always, to the next three points.

CYCM’s Elite Development Squodd

** Usual conditions – members with a guest and no foolishness taking beers out costing the club a fine. We’ll save it for you if you ask. Thanks again.

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First Posted ~ 00:45 Sun 6 Mar 2011
News ID ~ 3455
Last Updated ~ 00:45 Sun 6 Mar 2011