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CYCM: Sunny and shares...

FC United of Manchester play Gainsborough Trinity this Saturday in the FA Cup which will surprise some as we always seem to be playing Skem. As an aside"¦I’ve just got chips and a buttered muffin for dinner from Dockers in the Printworks. Unlikely as the location might seem, it’s a very good chippy. Unfortch, they take you around the corner for chip muffins charging a scangullous £1.90. However, if you get one lot of chips for £1.20 and a buttered muffin for 40p then you save yourself an obvious 30p. That’s still £1.60 and a bit pricey but because you bought one lot of chips you get far more than you can fit on a muffin. This means you can save the rest and microwave them for tea. I’ve just done that and accompanied them with beans and a load of pork that a very kind young lady made for me earlier in the week.

But the question presents itself: have I double chipped today? There’s a case to say I have because I’ve had them with two meals but really I’ve only had them once because I only bought one lot. I’ve just spread them out a bit. Whatever the answer there was still enjoyment. It’s complex questions like that that the FA Cup will be asking of Murrjy and the rented-in-boys this weekend. The 4-1 loss to Stocksbridge was down on the previous one of 5-1 against Matlock Town. That represents an increase in defensive smartmanship of 20%. No wonder it’s always a privilege to clap them off. Whatever the question enquired, whatever the answer is, there’s always enjoyment.

That man Murrjy will take us to that fine day in August 2012. He’ll walk out on that pitch and be adored for being the good man, and the good footballing man, that he is. Truly adored. When the rented-in have come and gone, playing their part or not playing their part, that son of Ancoats will be our representative of trying to get it right. Not always succeeding but always trying because the knowledge of why he is trying is written right through him. He knows what loyalty is. So do we. What is that quote about Matt? He’s not the most successful United manager but he is by far and away the greatest. We’re witnessing the same before our very eyes now. The man who knows what we are, the man who, if he were a flag, would read ’This thing of ours.’ He is the embodiment of this thing we’ve knitted, cobbled, glued, stitched, nailed, sellotaped, blu tacked, white tacked, crow-barred, Hilti-gunned, jack-hammered and slopped together. An honour.


Unfortunately the big, galloping galloot keeps coming on at Course you Can Malcolm and telling very bad jokes in his two-joke ’Margentiferous’ spot. Very bad jokes. Very, very bad jokes. Come along and boo him for his amazing lack of comic timing and his ’unconventional’ interpretation of what may be construed as funny, sigh. This week he will be accompanied by the following:

John Darwin will be doing his Development Fund book launch of his book ’Misery begins at Home’. John and three other poets - Coffin, Coffiny and couldn’t be more Coffiner - have written the most miserable book you will ever read. If you’ve just frapped the side of your loosies on a bollard or passed a pip-in-a-conker’s-coat whilst peeing then read this as you’ll realise things could be worse. That’s not calling the book, they have purposely gone out of their way to be miserabilist. John will be reading out a couple of the funnies. We’ll be hiding any loose leads that are knocking about in case you attempt to go all Curtis on us. The book’s a fiver. All profits to the club.
The Oddies are working on the theory that the book will drive you to high levels of alcohol. Mandy, Jo and Jane - the three Tenas - will be only to glad to take your fundraising money off you in exchange for quality beer.

Mike Duff will also be entertaining us with a reading from his new book ’Sobriety and wearing a vest on the QT.’ I’m glad he’s addressing the undergarment issue as I’ve always taken him for a bloke who wears underpants that are too big for him resulting in unnecessary slackage. He’s fetching Rigga. Bring a tin hat as it could all go yogi bear shaped. That’s the beauty of the Duffaloffagus though, entertainment at its rawest carat. The pleasure will be all ours again as veterans of CYCM know.

Hold it - Murrjy, Darwin and Duff - that’s three radges in one room. We’re going to have to bring down the ABV of the place and introduce founding Steering Committee member, board member and leading sexologist Aaron Brown. Aaron will be going through the new share issue with us. You’ll long for the halcyon minutes of the Darwin book reading as I fear Aaron may bring his overhead projector with him. He’ll be up for an up-close-and-personal Q and A session as what we are doing is far from uninteresting. We’re changing football. Again, we couldn’t be prouder.

Maurice Twomowers will also be reading out the team sheet in his essential ’This team is sheet’ section. This week we’re going to get it off him and put it on afinelung.com as it is too funny to be just heard the once by the Malcolmses crowd but definitely a bit too rude to put on the official site. Anyone who’s heard it knows they’ve been part of footballing folklore. Classic entertainment, not to be missed live.


This week as well as Eyebrows on the kettle-veggie-sausage - you have to be there but bizarrely they are very nice - we bring you Pace from FCUM Radio who is attempting to galvanise vegetarians to keep up the good work of Lettuce Leave by providing hot, vegetarian, fundraising sustenance for you all. The cruel quip of ’Veggies are too weak to galvanise’ may or may not be about to be proven. Tea Earn continues to brew itself to Ten Acres, the beers and fine ales from Nurse Nice keep being served, the tater hash is hot and the whimberry charlottes are plentiful. Get your gollies on and get yourself there. It’s your pub, it’s your club and we’re all Ten Acres-bound because of niceness like it. Together, as always, to the next round of the FA Cup"¦

Spirit, patience, gentlenessly yours

The CYCM odd carriers

As oft repeated **** CYCM is an FC United of Manchester members’ pub. That means if you’re an FC United of Manchester member then you get to come in. One guest allowed per member. There will be membership forms as you come in. All bottles to be kept within the bar area because if you take it out on the terrace you won’t be coming in again. It’s a football league ground. Their rules on this one that they’ll take great relish in hurting us for if we transgress. This is our ’No divs’ policy that we firmly adhere to for the dignity of our club because nobody wants to drink with divs. That is a Mancunian fact. If you do want to drink with divs then go over to the JML stadium and drink with the backwards over there. They are that filter ****

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First Posted ~ 11:25 Thu 23 Sep 2010
News ID ~ 3117
Last Updated ~ 12:57 Mon 21 May 2018