CYCM. Where love is the licensee...

It’s been a long time coming but a change is gonna come. And keeps coming. This weekend will see the fifth Course You Can Malcolm pop out of the manuterus and give a little gurgle. There is so much happening we’d better be brief for no one, cough, wants to be accused of rambling.

First up onto the Course You Can Malcolm not-stage will be Moston Active Drama. They will be performing the first scene from ’She’s just nipped out for fags.’ If you don’t know what that is then ask someone as I can’t be bothered. And you really should know by now. It’s worth asking someone if you don’t know because Moston Active Drama will be, as always, outstanding. There are 13 of them though so we’ll all have to squash up a bit. It’s getting colder so it’s another excuse to be cuddly with each other.

Except, you don’t want to be cuddling up to the band that will be coming on after Moston Active Drama. They’re from Openshaw and they’re horrible. Hedz Jelmo are never going to make it as a band. "Firm but unfair"?? you might say. And "Why are you putting them on at CYCM’s then if they’re so Flitcroft?" you might well say further. Well, we’re putting them on because they’re great.

The last time I saw Hedz Jelmo there was a load of characters trying to book them. The woman manager from the Trof in Fallowfield had just come to see them. She told me she’d given up trying to book them because they say they’ll turn up but they get too bladdered and don’t. She was just there to enjoy the music.

The lead singer Mark is horrible. You’ll have seen him at our games. He talks like the ’Charlie sez’ cat. You understand an occasional ’and that’ in there but otherwise he’s indecipherable. He’s also this dishevelled, ironweed type wretch, with a middin’esque, soup kitchen aura, spilling beer, sbd’ing and Charlie sezzing in the corner. He ragpickers up to the microphone and your ears are curling in on themselves preparing for a biffing. And then this angelic voice comes out that bears no relation to the paraffinaikos in front of you.

Hedz Jelmo remind me of diddy Puressence in that, almost certainly, Puressence’s time has past. They’re recognised by their peers, and musical Mancunians, for the influence they have but large recognition has, unjustifiably, not come their way. And now they’re old. Hedz Jelmo are a little Puressence’y. Except they have let having a fiendishly good time get in the way of pragmatic application to making it. And that has to be admired. And that’s why we’re proud to have them. And that’s why you’ll love them. You just can’t help it.

That, and the fact that the Indian bongo player wears a turban with an FC United of Manchester badge on it. And calls himself ’The Turbanator.’

And also, they were playing The Castle on Oldham Street on the night of July the fifth 2005 . The rump of the steering committee who formed the club in those dark summer days and Margy went in and wet the babies head, shoulders, knees and toes"¦.knees and toes, knees and toes. So that’s quite romantic.

All this as well as a new organic stout, some independently produced red cabbage, two new Development Fund earners called ’The tater hash tenner’ and ’Look at the size of my sacks’ and a possible sing-a-long after the band goes off to frenzy you all up before you fall out of the door and into the stand and supporting your team against the enemy, because apparently we’re playing BUPA.

So that is it. Usual rules and conditions apply. Get there late, you don’t get in because it’s packed and there’s always, always Reds locked out. Doors open 1pm. Members only, with members being able to sign one non-member in. Don’t eat dinner before coming in as our addictive, Openshaw £2 tater hash and pie crust is available. The usual real ales, lagers and ciders are there to luxuriate in and show respect to. Shee yoush shaturday.

Fraternally yours,

The CYCM Odd Carriers"¦